I
recently had the "fortune" of going to Miami
to audition for NBC's Last Comic Standing 6.
While
I was completely expecting a fun trip, accompanied by
the soul-destroying tolls of reality TV, what I didn't
expect, was my housemate, and good friend, Gizmo, to sneak
into my bag in the middle of the night, and come along
for the ride.
Below
is a personal photo-diary maintained by Gizmo for his
trip. Sadly, Gizmo likes to talk in third person....
_______________________________________________
GIZMO
DOES MIAMI
Fed
up with getting no Mogwi-love in Sydney, and needing a
break from his addictive partying lifestyle, Gizmo decided
to grab his bags and set out to get some sweet, sweet
American poon-tang.
He
headed to the airport to say one last goodbye to Nick
Sun. Gizmo says goodbye like most normal people, by simply
waving and saying "bye", but Nick Sun had a
different 'goodbye' in mind, taking it as one last chance
to finger-pump Gizzy's crotch, while yelling "That's
for making Gremlins 2, fool!"
Gizmo
replied, saying "let's just be friends..." before
setting off to the International Terminal....
Seeing as the flight to LA is nothing but boring overhead
shots of the never-ending Pacific Ocean, Gizmo decided
to get stuck into a couple of Fosters. He had to scull
the first three because they were so fucking disgusting,
but by the fourth, Giz was loving life...
After several attempts to do a Ralph Fiennes impersonation
with some of the sweet, sweet flight attendants, he was
eventually kicked off in LA to await his connection to
Miami...
The American Air flight to Miami was absolutely horrendous,
with loud Americans screaming all around him, not to mention
the screaming hangover he had from the beers, Gizmo decided
to whip out a little bit of a "smokey-smoke"
in flight. Things were going sweet as he puff-puff-passed
around the cabin, until the pilots got a whiff of it.
Next thing you know, Gizmo was in the custody of Miami
Vice....
"It's not my fault!" cried Gizmo to the police,
"Someone put it in my boogieboard-bag.... then rolled
it up.... and put it in my mouth.... and lit it up for
me..... and then gave me the munchies....." The cops
recognised Gizmo from his leading performances in such
movies as Gremlins, and plus I think the one
with the moustache had a thing for him. They let him go,
and before he knew it, Gizmo was on his way to the hotel,
down 4 kilos of weed mind you, but still, a free man....
"Just what I hoped for!" Screamed the elated
Gizmo, "A hotel with a big red penis wrapped in a
bow!" He went inside and had a look around....
After talking with the Victorias Secret models who were
laying by the pool, he convinced them all to come up to
his room to "party". They told him they'd be
up as soon as they finished their game of " Strip
Spin-the-bottle" with each other. Stupidly, Gizmo
believed them, so went up to get the party started by
himself.
When he realised he'd been had, and that there was no
chance that a party of semi-nude Victoria's Secret models
would be frequenting his room, Gizmo started hitting the
bottle, pretty hard....
Then he decided - 'if you can't get it for free, why
not pay for it?', so he went to the "Escorts"
section of the local phone directory...
DAY 2
It was time to check out the local Miami comedy scene,
and seeing as they were filming an episode of Last Comic
Standing at the Miami Improv, Gizmo decided to drop by
to say hello to some good friends. When he got there,
he spotted British Pop Idol host, Fern Britton, and thought
"I am soooo gonna try and fuck that."
Gizmo DIDN'T "fuck" that, because he had a
sudden "Oprah" moment, realising that women,
no matter how blonde, were people too, and that he needed
to respect them.* He then got "hit on" by the
Nelson Twins....
And then thought, "Damn! I really shoulda fucked
Fern...." Not all was lost though, because he spotted
music maestroes Doktor Cocacolamcdonalds and Jim Tavare
in the distance and thought, "Hell yeh! Let's jam..."
They played a horrible version of Right Said Fred's "I'm
Too Sexy", before realising they needed a guitar
player. "What about that guy!" Gizmo screamed....
All four of them rocked out an awesome version of Billy-Ray
Cyris' "Achy-Breaky Heart". Afterwards,
Stephen K Amos was so impressed with the cover, he ran
up to Gizmo like a teen fan of comedian Matt Okine, screaming
and crying and begging for a photo. Gizmo agreed.
This sudden popularity got Gizmo hungry, so he decided
to bail on the comedy scene, and head to McDonalds.
He ordered 26 $1 Double Cheeseburgers and handed them
out to homeless people. Not because he felt like helping
the poor, but because he had a bite of one of them and
almost threw up because the American food was so oily
and disgusting. He then decided to check out the beach,
hoping he could score some tail, or at least see a chicky-babe
with her boobies out.
He even attempted to drown himself in the hope that Pamela
Anderson would come running out to give him mouth-to-mouth,
but that didn't work, so he went on the main strip to
see if he could have more luck. He bumped into a man with
a giant snake wrapped around his shoulders...
Gizmo laughed at the man's shortcomings, dropping his
pants and screaming, "That's not a snake.... THIS
is a snake!" Gizmo's 'wang' outsized the man's snake
by about 35 cm, and 20 cm around. The man was so embarassed,
he walked infront of a car.*
Unfortunately, this is where the photos end. Apparently,
Gizmo sold his camera for a bag of blow and a free ticket
to Paris Hilton's super-bowl party. Fern spent the entire
night knocking on Gizmo's door, and the band Gizmo created
got picked up by Sony. They now tour the world doing covers
of one-hit wonders such as Snow's "Informer"
- the one where nobody knows the words of the chorus.
THE END
FOOTNOTES:
* Gizmo didn't actually have an "Oprah" moment,
Fern just rejected him...
* The man with the snake actually had a far bigger 'wang'
than Gizmo, because Gizmo is a penisless soft fluffy toy...
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