THE
ROAD TO LONDON....
I
have decided that I'm going to the next Olympics. Not
as a lame spectating sport-groupie, but as a full-blown
Olympian.
The
Sport in which I will compete? 50m Freestyle Swimming....
How
on earth am I going to make the olympics in a sport that
I am utterly HOPELESS in? Well - Observe the plan....
It's
rather quite simple.
Step
1 - JOIN THE AUSTRALIAN SWIMMING TEAM:
The Australian swimming team is one of the strongest in
the world. It is full of international champions, world-record
holders, and national heros who have all been swimming
since they were old enough to shit. The chance of a lazy
black man making a spot on the Australian Swim team is
as likely as Channel 7 showing ANY sport that doesn't
involve Australia or Michael Phelps. So - How might one
overcome this hurdle?
Step
2 - JOIN THE GHANAEAN SWIM TEAM:
Ghana's Swimming team is NOT full of anyone. Infact, Australia
recently held the FINA World Championships, and in one
race containing three Ghana hopefuls, all three of them
fell into the pool before the start of race, earning them
instant disqualifications. Now THAT's a team I can make!
Step
3 - MAKE THE QUALIFYING TIME
Whenever anybody hears my genius plan, the first thing
they try and tell me is that you need some sort of qualifying
time and there's no way that I'll be able to make it.
I am a rather shit swimmer. And I completely agree. IF
there is some sort of qualifying time, then there is NO
chance I could make it, unless that time was similar to
that of the qualifying time of the women's 50km walk.
BUT!
If
you'll recall, in the Sydney 2000 Olympics, there was
a very popular young fellow nicknamed, "Eric the
Eel". Now, Eric was a completely useless swimmer,
but still had the wonderful opportunity to compete for
his country because of a rule that FINA (Swimming's world
body) incorporates into the Olympic competition, and that
rule is:
--
Each country is allowed to nominate ONE person of each
gender to represent their country in an olympic swimming
event - regardless of qualifying times
- IF that country has not had any representatives legitimately
qualify.
There you go! In fact, the ONLY requirement needed to
represent your country in an olympic swimming event is
to have previously represented your country at the FINA
World Championships. SO...
STEP
4- MAKE THE FINA WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS
This is actually far easier than it sounds..... For the
FINA World Champs, each country is allowed to have one
person in EACH event regardless
of qualifying times, so this gives me any event
from the 50m freestyle, to the 1500m that I could possibly
represent Ghana in, with absolutely NO need to meet qualifying
times.
By
now, I can imagine that sufficiently made you see the
genius of my plan. There is only ONE thing from this point
that is getting in my way, and that is the final step....
STEP
5 - THE FINAL STEP
The final step is actually really the first step, which
is - GET OFF MY FAT ARSE AND ACTUALLY DO IT.
Sometimes even Olympians get cut down in their prime....
So seeing as I've mustered up the energy to write about
my plan, I figure I might as well give it a shot. So here
goes! FINA SWIMMING WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS 2009.... here
I come.
WOO!
Peace.
P.s. I will be accepting any advice/information about
my endeavours via Email. I will also start accepting any
Telstra "Hero Texts" as of Friday.... ha!
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